James Alan April 18, 2017 When The Onion does Magic James Alan April 18, 2017 According to The Onion (according to some, as reliable a source of news as any these days) LAS VEGAS—Fearing the regrettable incident from his past would continue to follow him for the rest of his life, white Bengal tiger Montecore confirmed Friday he was still struggling to find work after mauling magician Roy Horn during a show at the Mirage casino in 2003. “Whenever I go out looking for a job, it seems like the first thing people focus on is the time I attacked Roy in the middle of a performance, and that usually ends my chances of landing anything right then and there,” said the chronically unemployed tiger, who explained that show directors’ discomfort with his work history had forced him to cobble together a variety of “small-time gigs” at low-end circuses and, at certain points, even busk on street corners by jumping between milk crates to make ends meet. “I’m motivated, I’m highly trained, I’ve got visually stunning pigmentation—I should be getting offers left and right. But you have one bad night and, poof, it’s all gone. Was it a mistake to bite my trainer in the neck and drag his body offstage as he screamed for his life? Of course. But does that mean I shouldn’t get another chance to dazzle audiences with my grace and litheness? I don’t think so.” At press time, Montecore was waiting in line for his unemployment check and contemplating selling his anal gland secretions for extra cash.